Mom-in-Law Moments (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Mom-in-Law Moments & I Can Explain.

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Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:22 Introduction
• 1:00 Mom-in-Law Moments
• 22:44 I Can Explain
• 25:44 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #166 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Mom-in-Law Moments & I Can Explain.

Mom-in-law Moments
Soon after Anson proposed, we went shopping to buy an engagement ring. I chose a round white diamond that sparkled in the sunlight. Trying on the ring in the sunshine, I could feel my face warm with smiles as I held my hand out to admire the diamond. As quickly as I chose what I wanted, Anson promptly bought it. We skipped out of the jewelry store like newlyweds. Happy as can be that one day, we were met with gloom the very next day. Anson had gone home to tell his mother that we were engaged. She was furious, and the nightmare of having a mother-in-law began.

My future mom-in-law was angry because we didn't ask her permission first. I didn't know we needed permission! Anson said we needed to halt our wedding plans temporarily because his mother was not talking to him. He said we just needed to wait for her to cool down. I got mad at Anson for letting his mother control his life. One happy day turned into many horrible months when I saw my future mother-in-law.

Each time I saw her, she gave me the cold shoulder. Her bulging eyeballs intentionally looked at me and then abruptly turned away. I suppose she wanted me to know that she was not happy. Her eyes looked scary, and I didn't want to look at her anymore. The silent medicine she gave me was hard to swallow. I let Anson know that we needed to make advanced plans as my family needed to arrange to fly in for our wedding. I set the date. Anson told his mom, and she didn't like the date. I reminded Anson that it was a reasonable date for my side of the family and myself since many people were on holiday at that time, and my relatives could take time off. He informed his mother. She began to give him the cold shoulder, too. She gave me the silent treatment, but she did talk a bit with her son. 

My future mother-in-law did not talk to me for nearly six months before we married. Getting married was no longer exciting; it was dreadful, and I questioned myself as to whether or not I should Anson. As we prepared for our nuptial, Anson was in good spirits and hopeful that his mother would come around. He didn't need to do much regarding the wedding. His father arranged and paid for the evening banquet. Anson didn't seem to have a care in the world, as he was on cloud nine.

My excitement was all gone. Not only did I need to pay for the church and everything related to the wedding during the day because my family had hardly paid for anything for me since I was five, but I also needed to plan the details of my church wedding. Anson didn't do much but was most agreeable to anything I wanted. Stressed, I couldn't enjoy the path towards the wedding day.

For six long months, my future mom-in-law ignored me but knew my presence or existence as her nonverbal behavior let me know. Her silent treatment was discomforting. The lack of communication was worrisome as I didn't know if my wedding was proceeding as planned! Anson's limited talks with his mother did not make it any easier. Imagine planning a wedding and not knowing if his side of the family was doing any preparations. I could only trust that Anson confirmed that his father had arranged the evening festivity, and all I needed to do was take care of the daytime events. I heard nothing about what Anson's mother was doing. If she was so angry, would she even come to our wedding? I didn't know how to make it better for her and didn't understand why we needed her permission. Was my marriage doomed before it even started?

Aside from ignoring me, I thought I might be doomed if I accepted this mother-in-law into my life. I never had a mother who cared much about me. My father's mother took care of me from one to five, and my mother's mother cared for me from five to seventeen. I was unclear how much my own mother ever cared for me. I hated her for making me feel unwanted and unloved. Could this new mother be worse than my mother? Was I fated to have a tragic life when it came to mothers? Planning the wedding and dealing with thoughts about these two mothers were overbearing. And the two most horrible people in my life were about to converge on my wedding day.

My wedding day arrived. Stressed and tired, I just wanted the day to be over. I wasn't a happy bride. It was a red flag I ignored but hoped for a miracle. Overwhelmed and busy with all the picture-taking, I had no time to pause and pay much attention to my mother-in-law. I did, however, notice that I indeed had a mother-in-law.

After the evening banquet, Anson was eager to carry me over the threshold into our newly remodeled home next door to my in-laws. Arrrghhhh! What? Yes, I was to live next door to my mother-in-law, and I retaliated this idea after we got engaged. I was an independent girl, and it was too close for comfort. I majored in child psychology and was an elementary school teacher. I said I'd be damned if I let my mother-in-law tell me how to raise my future children. I knew I had strong feelings about it and didn't see how living next door to her could make things better. It was another red flag I pointed out to Anson, who said it would be nice to get free babysitting from his mom. I didn't see how having this mother-in-law would be any good for my mental health. Will she drive me crazy? Will I go insane? Didn't I throw this on myself? I could have chosen not to have this mother-in-law, but I married Anson, whose family came with it.

As Anson and I walked up the stairs over the garage to the front door of our house, we stopped at the landing. Anson said, "Wait, wait; let me carry you through the door!" He had seen this in movies many times and wanted to do it like it would be a lot of fun for him. He was full of smiles and happy to do it. From the corner of my eye, I saw my in-laws standing side by side on the sidewalk, watching us and smiling. Exhausted from a long day, I strangely felt a smile on my face because two people looked so happy that we were married. I almost felt like a child who was delighted that she made her parents happy. I was, and it was my new parents.

From that moment, the night after all the wedding day events, when Anson carried me through the threshold, my mother-in-law turned into someone I did not recognize. That frightful woman who gave me cold shoulders and the silent treatment miraculously transformed into a kind and generous woman. From the night of the day I married into the family, she welcomed me into the family with smiles of contentment all over her face. 

Every now and then, she invited Anson and me over to dinner. She wasn't the best cook, and I didn't think her food was tasty, but I appreciated it enormously because I rarely had anyone cook for me since I last lived with my grandmother when I was seventeen. Sitting around the table with my in-laws or Anson's other siblings, if they were around, made me feel like I was a part of a family. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I was a part of a family. I never belonged to my biological family when I was tossed from one grandmother to another grandmother since I was one. Though my grandmothers were both loving people, I had uncles who let me know I did not belong in their family. At thirty, I finally had a family where I was warmly welcomed from the moment I got married.

Many times, as soon as we drove up into the driveway, my mom-in-law rushed out to give us dinner in Tupperware. It was certainly nice of her to do that so I wouldn't need to cook after a long day at work, but I didn't appreciate it. I told Anson that we didn't get to choose what we wanted to eat, and I felt a loss of freedom. Anson probably told his mom, and soon, she bought groceries for me to cook dinner as I wished. I still didn't appreciate it. My negative perception said I did not yet know how to value this mother-in-law.

Every year, my in-laws went to Hong Kong for its food and shopping. They invited us, but Anson didn't care to travel anywhere, so we didn't go. Opposite to Anson, I loved to travel. One year, I decided to go without Anson. Anson and his parents had no problem with it. Ecstatic that I could travel even if it were with the in-laws, I went. Little did I know I would be in for a treat or many treats! Together with my in-laws, we walked to many different eateries and ate delicious meals in Hong Kong. After each meal, we went shopping. We would walk and walk, and they'd ask me what I wanted to buy. I did not say anything. They kept asking. Then they suggested some things. They didn't need much for themselves, but they wanted stuff from Hong Kong. Soon, I was shopping with Mr. and Mrs. Claus. They bought whatever I wanted, and if I refused, we would stay at a store until I found something they could buy for me. They showered me with many things like clothes and shoes. I couldn't be luckier!

For all the years I did not go to Hong Kong with them, they still bought dozens of items for me each time they went to Hong Kong. I was amazed at how my mom-in-law did not know my size or measure me, but she always got clothes, coats, and even leather and silk coats that fit me perfectly. Each time they returned with loads of purchases, I thanked them profusely. Anson got some things, too, but he didn't like or appreciate them. Soon, they stopped buying anything for him. But they continued to buy more and more things for me. I couldn't be happier!

I didn't appreciate this mother-in-law until she came knocking on my door one particular day. She heard Anson screaming at me. She heard Anson's rage because her kitchen window was open, and our bathroom window and bathroom door were open. Anson had a horrible temper, and she knew it. I witnessed him yelling at his father once and knew I was not the only one subjected to Anson's temper tantrums. Mom-in-law knocked on the door, and Anson opened it. She said, "What are you yelling about?" Anson began to explain, and before he could even finish one sentence, she said, "Shhhhhhhhhhh! Do you want the neighbors to hear you?" Anson said, "But ….." My mother-in-law said a short Shhh. It stopped Anson from saying another word. His mouth quivered like he was afraid, but he wanted to defend himself and say more. My eyes popped out in amazement. Nothing I ever did could shut Anson's mouth when he was in a rage, and his screaming usually lasted two hours at a time. Suddenly, I learned the power his mother had on him and her husband. She was the woman, the powerhouse, of the family.

Seconds after interacting with her son, my mom-in-law softly asked if I feared Anson's screaming. If I did, she said I could stay at her house until he cooled off. I told her that his temper made me not want to have children with him and that I was not going to have any with him as long as he screamed at me. It was my turn to make my mom-in-law's eyes pop out in shock. At that moment, she realized I controlled whether she had grandchildren from us or not.

One day, while at my mom-in-law's house, I helped her prepare dinner. I always offered to help, and she usually said it was unnecessary. I also offered to do the dishes after dinner, and she would not let me do it. I reveled in getting a little spoiled. And I knew she loved me just because I offered. I satisfied her traditional values and learned them from my Grandma Sandy, who taught me how to respect my elders through her example. My mom-in-law asked if Anson was treating me well. I said, "Sometimes." She then said that if he didn't, she would set him straight. My father-in-law then walked into the kitchen, and she said, "I will talk to him, but it is all this one's fault for making me give birth to the no-good sausage (Anson)! She was pointing to my father-in-law. My father-in-law said, "Yes, it is all my fault!" And we all laughed. I loved my father-in-law, too. He was a very easygoing man and had a good sense of humor. He knew not to cross his wife and laughed it off. My mom-in-law made me feel like I had a mother for the first time in my life. 

Years later, Anson's older brother got engaged and happily had his fiancé show her engagement ring to his mom. I saw it happen while I was in the kitchen with her. She barely looked at it. The couple left the kitchen, and my mom-in-law mumbled under her breath that there was nothing to show or flaunt. I thought to myself that she barely looked at it and was unimpressed. I felt warm vibes from my mother-in-law at that moment because I knew she loved me.

I was helping her prepare dinner in the kitchen, but Anson's brother's fiancé was not. Sure, she offered, but my mom-in-law said no. The difference was I insisted by taking action to help. I learned this cultural thing from Grandma Sandy's example, too. You offer, but she says no. She really wants you to help and wants you to show you really care. You can only learn this by living in the culture I grew up in, which was similar to hers. The poor fiancé did not know any better. She also could not speak the dialect my mom-in-law spoke. I could because I learned it from my dear Grandma Sandy. I realized why my mom-in-law loved me to pieces. My husband Anson told me he thought his mom loved me the most out of three daughters-in-law, and he shared it like he was so proud of himself, like he had the best wife that his parents adored. 

The many small moments with my mom-in-law were precious. It wasn't just that she gave me gifts, care, support, and love, but she tried to protect me from my husband's monstrous temper. It was more than that. She wasn't my mother, but she was the mother I had never had and wanted. My mother never cared or loved me. But luckily, I found a mother in my mom-in-law. If you have a great mother, appreciate it! If you don't, maybe you could find one in someone else like I did; treasure it, too. If you cannot find one, know that you can love and care for yourself, too!

I Can Explain

I am fiercely independent. I can explain.

I am usually the first to leave a relationship. I can explain.

I never believed anyone could really love me. I can explain.

I work hard to prove I am worthy. I can explain.

I work hard to stand out and be unique. I can explain.

I thought I had to care for myself because Mom tossed me out at five.

I left relationships because Mom abandoned me at five.

I didn’t believe it when others said I love you because Mom threw me away.

I studied hard and worked hard to show I shouldn’t have been tossed.

I made myself stand out with my incredible determination, tenacity, and resilience; I wanted to show I shouldn’t have been dumped.

I can explain. Everything came down to one denominator: Mom tossed me out when I was five. 

The trauma caused much distress and pain to my fragile self-esteem, but the fighter in me developed an unexpected character.

I walked to my after-school class by myself because everyone was too busy to mind me; I was scared but did it anyway.

I didn’t have any family to help me with college tuition, but I found help from strangers and got to college anyway.

I went to work full-time while studying for my graduate degree full-time. It was hard to juggle, but I did it anyway.

I grew up with relatives who told me I didn’t belong and treated me like an outcast, but I endured anyway.

I was teased by classmates for not living with my biological family, but I tolerated it anyway. 

The character developed embodies strength, independence, courage, determination, tenacity, adaptability, resilience, and creativity. 

Adversity created a me that turned the pain into positive advantages or strengths. 

Who says you can’t change the narrative of your life?!
 
Key Takeaways
Though my mother-in-law initially gave me the cold shoulder, she turned out to be the mother I never had and always wanted.

Though I behave in certain ways, I can explain their origins.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called The Worst with the Best & Stop Shaming Me. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!