Brought to Tears (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Brought to Tears & One Life From A to Z.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 Brought to Tears
• 16:01 One Life From A to Z
• 19:00 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #168 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Brought to Tears & One Life from A to Z.

Brought to Tears
Mom tossed the five-year-old me onto an airplane to go live with my grandmother's family. No family members offered to pay for my college education. Divorced from my anal and controlling husband, I was alone. Collapsing into a financial meltdown after failing in a business venture, I lost my house. Betrayed by my boyfriend of nine years when he cheated on me, his action punctured a throbbing hole in my heart. Jobless and penniless with a gutted heart, I attempted to move abroad with a job waiting for me, but travel bans because of the pandemic halted the plans. With nearly all my belongings already sea-mailed, I could not arrive to sign off on them, so my possessions were ready to be auctioned off. You would think the calamities would bring me to tears, but they didn't. It was only when nearly all my possessions were on the verge of being auctioned off that I raised my hands to the skies and screamed, "Why are you making me suffer? Why are you still testing me to see if I could handle all these challenges? Haven't I shown time and time again that I could overcome adversities? Why are you still testing me? Are you trying to kill me?"

The five-year-old me that was put on an airplane to go live with my grandmother did not shed a tear. I fought to claim my independence by refusing any help from a flight attendant when I had trouble getting out of my seatbelt to go to the restroom. I fumed when she asked if I needed anything. I only mumbled to myself that I didn't need anything or anyone. Since Mom didn't want me in my mind, I didn't want or need her or anybody else. There were no tears; there was only anger.

With no money to afford college, my dreams of escaping a miserable family life and gaining freedom from emotional abuse seemed impossible. Grandma and Grandpa were too poor to help. Mom and Dad had long relinquished any responsibility for me and forgotten or pretended they didn't have me as their daughter. My uncles said I was too stupid to go to college, so I should get a job to make money. I did not cry; I only fought to find ways to get myself out of the predicament. 

Living in a minefield where I didn't know when my husband's temper would explode and have him screaming at me for at least two hours at a time did not make me sob profusely. Walking on eggshells was no easy feat. With his anal ways, I could never do anything good enough or perfect enough, no matter how hard I tried. I told him I always tried to do my best to please him or do things the way he wanted, but that I was not perfect. His reply: "You can try to be perfect." Though frustrated and crushed, I did not cry. I kept silent and continued trying; expressing my thoughts would only fuel his self-righteous rampages.

Having gone into business with dreams of becoming a millionaire, I worked tirelessly for five years but never realized the dream. I didn't weep. I kept trying to find new ways to find clients. I tried many ways: I attended networking events and seminars, went to where crowds of people would be, and did presentations. Working in a cold market was difficult, and my warm market was limited. Tears didn't flow out of my eyes, and I persisted in my efforts for five years, living off my savings. If I didn't have that, I would have starved to death.

While simultaneously having a financial meltdown and losing my house, I discovered my boyfriend of nine years cheated on me. Not one tear was shed. The details of that fateful day are still clear to me. He picked me up on Sunday, drove me to the McDonald's drive-through window to get coffee near my house, and then parked in the parking lot. He was quiet, and it was unlike him to be that way, so I knew something was wrong. I thought it was because he had gone bankrupt, but I was wrong. I asked what was the matter, and he was silent. I finally said, "You call me your best friend, but you are not communicating with me now. You are a coward." He finally spoke. He finally let me know he cheated on me, and he got the woman pregnant. I asked if he had anything else to say to me. He said, "Can we be friends?" "Anything else?" I said. He only had his head down and never looked me in the face. I didn't cry. Why didn't I cry? I must be an abnormal human being. I did not shed a tear. It's been over ten years, and I still can't cry. At first, I thought it was because I was too shocked, but later, I was disgusted. No tears.

Jobless and homeless, I was ready to move abroad for a new beginning, but travel bans from the pandemic stopped me. Airline tickets were canceled repeatedly. The government placed new restrictions, and I could not travel abroad. Time was of the essence because I was jobless and homeless. It didn't seem like I could overcome a travel ban, and I was stuck. I didn't cry. I fought to find a way to travel within the parameters of the restrictions.

While trying to overcome the travel ban, I already shipped most of my belongings, and they arrived at their destination. I needed to sign off on it, and no local was allowed to do it for me. They said they would auction off my stuff if I did not get it signed in person. Horrified, I almost cried. I called a friend for help, and my voice trembled because of the pain of asking for help. Tears did not come out, but I quivered.

Having lived through much adversity, I never questioned why I didn't cry until my boyfriend of nine years cheated on me. I thought I should cry, but I was numbed and roamed around like a robot. I knew I had feelings and emotions, but my mind must have been on an automatic way of being. Generating some self-analysis, I concluded I refused to show anyone, myself included, any sign of vulnerability. I demanded that I always show strength and did not need anyone. The shadow of the five-year-old me had its claws in me. It still does, but something shifted as I became a writer and was brought to tears.

The early days as a writer were a struggle. It wasn't the actual writing that was difficult, and I had no writer's block either. The battle was deciding whether or not to share my stories that revealed my thoughts and feelings. The emotional rollercoaster ride had something to do with vulnerability. 

On the one hand, I thrived on expressing myself in writing. On the other hand, I paused many times for fear of revealing myself or making myself vulnerable to attacks by anyone. Despite the struggle, I continued with the passion to write, and because I did, I was brought to tears in eye-opening moments.

When I wrote a story called The Goodbyes (in my podcast), I saw the image of my mother dashing off at the airport a number of times, but suddenly, another image flashed before me, and it was that Mom never turned around to look at me or wave to me. It explained why I didn't turn around when I said my goodbyes to others, and it revealed the pain of a five-year-old who longed for her mother's love and never got it. Over fifty years of bottled-up pain uncorked itself when a tsunami of tears flooded my eyes, and I sobbed profusely for the first time in my life. 

My story, called She Understood (in my podcast), was about Grandma Betsy, who had terminal cancer. It is a sad story, but I did not think it could bring me to tears as I was never very close to her. As I recalled the details of spending time with her while she was ill, I discovered a few things she said to me that did not register to mean anything to me at the time, but upon recollection over thirty years later, a strike of lightning zapped me to my senses. Unexpectedly, my head quickly warmed. I cried; I couldn't stop the tears and had to keep getting more tissues to wipe my eyes. 

Maybe they should have been tears of joy at the revelation, but they were tears of pain that I did not realize something sooner. Grandma Betsy told me not to mind that my immediate family did not treat me nicely or that I was the family's black sheep. She said I mattered and should not let anyone take away my importance. Perhaps some tears were relief that someone understood my pain about the family. I was shocked to know that she understood my pain and knew how my family treated me; it was not all in my imagination. Other tears may have been the realization that I allowed them to make me feel like a nobody when I could have deemed myself somebody who had the power to determine my life. Combined, they brought tears of sorrow that I did not try to know my Grandma Betsy better and tears of joy that I always had the power to alter the mental direction of my life, and I  just didn't know it.

I was unsure what was happening when it first happened because it never occurred to me. My body trembled uncontrollably, my head heated up like an oven, and tears rolled down my face like the rapids. I did not know what was happening to my physical body. I did know when it happened, though. As I shared in my story called Running but Floating (in my podcast), I was at a business convention where we heard speakers share their knowledge and motivate us to persist in our efforts to make sales and bring in recruits to make lots of money. 

Over five years, I had seen many people realize their dreams of making a six to seven-figure income, and I was sold the dream, but I was never one of them. During the convention, I would see people go on stage to claim their awards if they were among the top ten earners or making a six to seven-digit income. I had never heard my name called before, so I couldn't believe my ears when I heard it. For five years, I had never heard my name, so how could it be? They must have made a mistake in their calculations, I thought. I also saw my name on the giant screens on the stage. You could hear and see my name, but I was still puzzled. My head was burning in confusion, my body was shaking, my mouth was quivering, and tears were rolling down my face. Then, my friend who was sitting next to me slapped me on the shoulders to tell me to go get my award. Since I knew I didn't dash toward the stage when I first heard it, I knew I had to hurry. Another friend told me that he had never seen me run so fast. I paused to think, recalled myself as light as a bird, and flew over there. I am not thin, yet I felt so lightweight.

That day, it happened a second time. One award was for individual effort, and one was for team effort. Both awards had me rank in the top ten. Unbelievable. Incredible. I later realized it was the first and only time I had tears of joy. I had struggled for five years in the business. I made absolutely zero the first year, and in subsequent years, I did not even make enough to put food on the table. I only survived by using my savings from my previous career. It was like spending all your life to make a dream come true, and then it finally happened. The triumph was not just making the money but also having the chance to go on stage to speak and inspire others. Moreover, all the challenges finally produced a few results.

Hidden behind my stoic face, I don't often show my vulnerabilities. I seldom cry, so when I do, I remember them. Having been brought to tears, I have relieved much pain. I rejoice for uncorking bottled-up emotions and allowing myself to feel and release the pain and joy that is but part of being human.

One Life from A to Z
Adaptable, that is what makes me a survivor and overcomer of challenges.

Broken, my heart broke into many pieces, but I got up and put all the pieces back together.

Courageous, I jumped out to skydive and bungee to fly like a bird

Determined, I found a way to finance my college education on my own.

Educated, I have attended school for over twenty-five years and love learning.

Fascinating, My boyfriends found me fascinating and kept pursuing me.

Grateful, I am thankful and appreciate all that I have because I had little.

Hopeful, I look for the silver lining and believe in finding rainbows.

Incredible, it is remarkable how much adversity I have survived.

Jinxed, I am because adversity knocked on my door too many times.

Knowledgeable, because I am always in search of more knowledge.

Logical, I like to use my brain because I don’t trust my heart.

Mysterious, because I didn’t always reveal much about myself.

Neat, I keep all my things tidy to put order amid internal chaos.

Organized, I like things to all have a place or a home where they belong.

Persistent, I refuse to quit and will insist on achieving or finding solutions.

Quiet, I don’t talk much but talk when needed and could even talk your head off.

Resilient, knock me down, but I will always get back up like a bamboo.

Strong, I’m a fighter; I fight, I fight, I fight to the end.

Tenacious, when faced with hundreds of rejections in sales, I pressed on undeterred.

Unique, I never wanted to be different or stand out, but I am because I am unique.

Victorious, I found a way to overcome the limitations of a travel ban and moved abroad.

Wanderer, I have roamed the streets aimlessly with only pennies in my pocket.

X-Gen, I am not.

Young, I am no more.

Zen, I want to be.

Key Takeaways
Though brought to tears occasionally, they provided relief to pain.          

Though one life could be described briefly from A to Z, much can be learned about a person from it.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Moving Past the Past & You Don’t Know. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!