Two Astonishing Lessons Learned (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Two Astonishing Lessons Learned & Achoo!

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 Two Astonishing Lessons Learned
• 12:42 Achoo!
• 19:40 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #189 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Two Astonishing Lessons Learned & Achoo!

Two Astonishing Lessons Learned                                                                                           

Some of my relatives told me that I am a perfectionist. I say I am not because I still don’t do things perfectly. Some of my friends say I am a perfectionist. I say they don’t know what a perfectionist is until they have met Anson, my ex-husband. I only thought myself to be a person who tried to improve or do things better. What was wrong with that?! It wasn’t until I took a writing course with a thirty-day challenge to write one essay each day that I realized I was indeed a perfectionist. While writing, I was astonished to learn that perfectionism could be a detrimental trait to possess.

Many friends told me not to go into business because it was too risky. Few of my relatives knew I wanted to go into business because I didn’t tell them about my dream of becoming a millionaire. I thought anyone I knew would laugh at me for having such a lofty dream, and if I failed, they’d say I told you it was a crazy idea. In my mind, they didn’t think I could do it or that I was not the type to do it. The most hurtful thing would be that they didn’t get what an ambitious and adventurous person I am. As it turned out, I failed miserably. However, eleven years later, I was astounded to learn that great success was hidden in my failure.

I was a perfectionist, and I needed to stop myself in my tracks. I failed in business and needed to stop beating myself up. When I inadvertently stopped trying to be a perfectionist, I discovered an eye-opening lesson. When I unwittingly stopped beating myself up for being a failure in business, I learned another eye-popping lesson. Both lessons elevated me to another level.

I have always strived to do my best. You could say it stemmed from constantly trying to prove my worth. After all, Mom gave me away when I was five, and I have been trying to prove my value ever since then. I never saw anything wrong with being a perfectionist until I took the thirty-day challenge to write one essay each day for thirty days. That one exercise alone stopped me in my tracks.

When I finished writing one short story, I would go back to reword and check my work. I would check and recheck; it seemed like unending labor because the finished product was unsatisfactory. At any rate, I had to complete it and submit my assignment the next day, even if it wasn’t perfect. There could be no delay. The next day, I would have a new topic to write about and needed to finish in a day to turn it in. Late submissions were not acceptable. Those restrictions or parameters challenged me, and luckily, I took on the challenge. Because I followed the rules of the game, I learned a lesson that has relieved me from the pain of being a perfectionist!

I didn’t know that because I was such a perfectionist, I put myself under tremendous pressure and hurt my self-esteem. It all seems understandable now, but I was blind to it. Though I can now consciously alleviate some of the pain, a more astonishing lesson surfaced. 

Since I had a limited amount of time to start and finish a story in my writing class, I had to write without constantly stopping to fix a sentence or judge my writing. I didn’t have time for it! The result was ideas freely flowing from my head to my fingers tapping on the keyboard to form words and sentences. It forced me to stop being so judgmental of myself. It made me act or take action without having worries or hesitations halt the thought process. What showed up was creativity, an abundant amount of creativity!

Perhaps it is like when you are under pressure or have a deadline, you know you need to finish it, so you finish it. However, though the work is done, the perfectionist in me is not satisfied with the results. It could be better, I say. But I stop myself from saying that more often than not now. It is because I am amazed at what I have written! Suddenly, I discovered the magic in writing. I may not have all my ideas or thoughts mapped out in my head in every detail or sequence before writing, but I don’t need to. I just need to let my fingers do the walking, and it will tap, tap, tap out letters into a story! 

Sometimes, I will write a story, not knowing how it will end or what the significance of the story is, to write about it in the first place. However, while writing, the ending or the importance of sharing my story will reveal itself as I write. Before my brain realizes the relevance of my story, my fingers will tap it out, and I am shocked to unearth something hidden from me. That is why I call writing magical.

As a writer, I have stopped being such a perfectionist because it does not always serve me well. I have started allowing more creative ideas to flow as they come because it brings me comfort and joy. Lesson learned.

Before I became a writer, I was once in business. I worked tirelessly to succeed and become a millionaire. The two sound like opposites, but they have something in common: I was a starving entrepreneur and writer. My job was to sell products and recruit people into my network marketing business. I was a quiet and shy girl. How on earth could I approach strangers to sell my products and business? 

I was determined, and I had a dream. I passed out flyers, attended networking events, attended seminars, volunteered, and participated in many activities and anything where people gathered. I needed to converse and engage in conversation with others to share my products and business. If I didn’t talk to as many people as possible to increase my chances of selling something or gaining a business partner, I would go hungry. 

I went hungry. I starved the first year because I earned nothing, zero dollars, from the business and only spent money on the business using my savings. I worked hard but got hundreds of rejections. You could say I was terrible at the job, or that was the nature of being a door-to-door saleslady. I made a little for the next few years and went hungry every day. I hardly made any money until my fifth year in the business. You can’t say I didn’t work hard. You can’t say I didn’t try many different methods. You can’t say I didn’t improve my skills. However, you could say I didn’t have luck on my side. According to business experts, though you need both, business success has more to do with luck than skill. In my five years of tireless effort, I had proven them right. I worked hard but failed miserably. I call it my greatest failure.

Too ashamed I did not talk about it. If I thought about it, I would be disheartened. If I thought about it some more, I would get angry at myself. If I dwelled on it, I would tell myself how stupid I was to keep trying to do something where I found no great success and lost my house and nearly all my money. Drudging this up again still hurts, but Everett, a stranger, taught me an astonishing lesson about my stint in business.

Before moving abroad again, I thought I would work on sharpening my language skills. Through a language exchange, I met Everett over the phone. We talked twice a week, four hours a week. The global pandemic was spreading, and we were jobless at home. On one phone call, the topic was about our greatest failure. I shared my business failure with Everett. I didn’t have too much to say about it, but Everett asked many questions. In our next call, he asked more questions about my business. By the third call about the same topic, I was slightly annoyed that he was asking many questions.

I told Everett I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and had nothing more to say about the subject. I let him know that it reminded me of my great failure, and it didn’t leave a good feeling on me. His response shocked me. He gave me a perspective I never saw; I was stunned. A part of me was broken, and he mended that invisible broken part in me. For a moment, the dark clouds that hung over me for over ten years cleared, and I saw the sunshine in all my failures. Everett made me see the success I had in business, and then I also realized my triumphs in my other challenges. It was earth-shattering! I discovered my value, which gave meaning to my life.

I thought I was a failure because I never made a million dollars in business. Everett said I inspired him. He said I was a success because I had the strength, resilience, determination, and tenacity to work at the business for five years with little money earned. Everett said he had given out flyers for a few weeks before and gave up when no one bought from him. He wanted to learn how I could persist, so he asked many questions. Everett let me know that my success was in my character, which is more precious than money. Thank you, Everett, for helping me see the value of me. I can now acknowledge all my efforts, creative ideas, and hard work. I can now appreciate my determination, resilience, and tenacity. The broken me has healed to celebrate who I am. Lesson learned from the most incredible gift received.

From one writing class and one stranger, I had two astonishing eye-opening moments. I stopped being too much of a perfectionist and allowed room for my creativity to thrive. I continue to bring a screeching halt to the perfectionist in me and feel myself alleviate the pressure I put on myself. I also get more things done rather than keeping ideas stuck in my head. I stopped torturing myself for what I considered failures and began celebrating my strength of character in the face of adversity. Acknowledging the goodness in me gives me freedom; it comforts and soothes the soul. Lessons learned; celebrate with me!

Achoo!                                                                                                                                                     

Joining a group of nearly thirty people who went hiking, I was excited because I would get the chance to see Tanner again. I had a crush on him, but I don’t think he noticed me much. I was shy, especially when it came to men. I was not talkative. However, I accidentally got his attention in the most unusual way.

Looking to join groups to attend social activities, I found Tanner’s group for thirty and forty-somethings online. If I could, I wanted to make new friends, find potential business partners or clients, and even a new boyfriend since I was fresh out of a divorce. Since Tanner was the organizer of the group and the activities, it was easy to approach him with questions and talk to him. Tanner was not physically attractive to me, but I felt drawn to him. He was easygoing, friendly, organized, easy to talk to, and an all-around nice guy who cared that everyone in the social activities was taken care of and having a good time. I noticed other ladies were attracted to his kindness and personality as they surrounded him in conversation. Again, he wasn’t attractive, but he was magnetic. Guys and gals alike enjoyed chatting with him. I was probably just another participant to him, but I liked him.

Tanner organized activities I liked, too. He had bowling, board games, hiking, community fairs, picnics, karaoke singing, mahjong, salsa dancing, bicycling, amusement park excursions, and potlucks. I participated in most of the activities he organized. I noticed and liked his organizational skills. The more I talked with him, the more I liked him. I felt at ease and comfortable being myself when I spoke with him. Though he spoke with me, I didn’t sense he was interested in me as a potential girlfriend.

I noticed a funny thing in a mahjong event Tanner organized. People needed to sit in fours to play it. Some walked around chatting or snacking like they were at happy hour. Some sat down in groups of four to play while others watched the players play. I played some of the time and walked around eating and talking some of the time. When I walked around, Rusty seemed to follow me around discretely. I sensed that he liked me, but he didn’t have anything that attracted me. I found myself discreetly following wherever Tanner was while Rusty was following me. It was hilarious! I don’t think Tanner noticed me, but it was clear to me that Rusty was attracted to me. We were thirty to forty-somethings acting like a bunch of kids, or would adults do that too?!

Another event Tanner organized was hiking. This event was the most memorable. At first, I was excited because I like hiking, and the activity easily lent itself to conversing with people without me looking like a salesperson. I wanted prospective business partners or clients. Soon, the hiking took a bad turn, or was it a good turn?

The hike was easy because it was mostly on flat land surrounded by fields of tall plants that looked like yellow straws of hay standing up like grass. I didn’t know what it was, but I was allergic to it. Soon after the hike began, I started sneezing. I sneezed loudly. It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t stop myself from sneezing so loud, and I couldn’t stop sneezing! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! My nose turned as red as Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer. It was only an hour-long hike, but it was a long hike because I was sneezing relentlessly the whole time. Everyone noticed me now, but it was for the wrong reason.

Organized Tanner was unprepared for this sneezing frenzy. As kind and caring as he was, he ran to see what he could do to help me. He couldn’t stop my sneezing but stayed with me and kept me company. Everyone else tried to keep their distance since I loudly sneezed with my mouth wide open and spraying saliva everywhere. I was disgusting. I never had such a strong allergic attack. I couldn’t stop my mouth from opening wide, and I couldn’t lower the volume of my achoos. Help! My whole face turned red like it was on fire. Despite the discomfort, I was tickling with joy inside. I wanted to pinch myself for how lucky I was. I accidentally got Tanner all to myself. I smiled with contentment; I couldn’t be happier.

Tanner and I spoke between my sneezes. We got to talk with each other more than usual and know more about each other. Tanner enjoyed social gatherings, while I enjoyed quiet activities. I said, “You like a party of chatters?” He said, “You like a silent party?” We shared and laughed at our opposites. “I like hiking and being around nature, but I hate the … achoo! Bug bites. I don’t like …achoo! achoo! Insects,” I said. Tanner said, “Well, when I get bitten, I tell myself that the insects like my blood, and my blood is sweet.” Achoo! I sneezed again. “I don’t think they want to bite you today. Your sneezes are scaring them away,” said Tanner. We both laughed some more. I didn’t know Tanner could be so funny, or was he trying to comfort me between sneezes? He was making me feel better or distracting me from my discomfort. Since others were distancing themselves from me, they also had to stay away from Tanner. He could not be busy attending to others because I was the biggest problem that needed attention. Lucky me!

Because my loud sneezing led others to stay away from me, my desire to make friends and find clients or business partners did not happen. However, because of all my achoos, I got Tanner’s attention. Because of all my sneezes, Tanner spent an hour talking to me only, and I got his undivided attention. Because he was a caring person, he attended to me. Though all my sneezing caused me much misery, it led to the beginning of my connection to my crush. By the end of the hike, Tanner said he enjoyed talking with me, told me to rest up from all my sneezing, and invited me to dinner the following Saturday. I thought it highly unlikely I would find a boyfriend out of this hike, especially since I sneezed relentlessly for an hour, but soon after this trip, Tanner and I began dating!

Key Takeaways                                                                                                                                                 

Though a perfectionist, I stopped when I discovered it stifled creativity. Though I never made millions of dollars, I found my worth was not in my bank account but in who I am.

Though I sneezed profusely on a hike, I got the attention of a crush.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called I Loved Him, But... & Have and Have Not. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!