What is in your coffin? (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about What is in your coffin? & If You Could Only Say One Thing.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 What is in your coffin?
• 9:00 If You Could Only Say One Thing
• 21:12 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #192 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about What is in your coffin?  & If You Could Only Say One Thing. 

What is in Your Coffin?

I walked over to stand before Grandma Sandy’s open casket. Her eyes were closed, and she had a face full of bright makeup. It didn’t make her more appealing or more alive, so why do people do that? I thought I should face her even though I knew her eyes would be closed. You can’t hear me talk aloud, but my inside voice needed to say, “I am here, Grandma. Thank you for raising me, caring for me, and imparting your values, which continue to guide me in my life journey.” I didn’t know what else to say, but I stood there for several more moments. The image of a wooden coffin and a body, which both used to have life, were now lifeless objects lying there before my eyes. What did Grandma leave behind? What did she have or keep with her in death? I wondered about the meaning of life again, as such a thought had entered my mind a number of times previously.

Auntie Zelda, the wife of one of my uncles, was a relative I liked. Knowing that I was frugal or a penny-pincher, she once said, “You can’t take it (money) with you, so spend some.” I thought it was fitting of her to say it because she knew how fragile life could be as she lived with cancer. Still, her words stuck with me. Of course, I know that I cannot take my hard-earned money with me to death, but I persist in saving money for fear I will run out before I die. 

My future resting place, like Grandma, will be in a coffin or an urn. I will go alone with no possessions but the clothing on my back. Perhaps I will leave with only ashes left. It may sound morbid, but it is a reality. It is an eye-popping reality to face and be reminded about some aspects of life. 

After starting a career when I could afford to buy things with my money, I purchased many things. First, it was only clothes, accessories, kitchenware, and bathroom supplies. Then it was a car and a house and along with that furniture. Each purchase seemed like a necessity and a gradual process, and you don’t take notice until you move. That is when you see how much you have accumulated over the years. Then the donations, tossing, and selling hit, and you wonder why you bought more than you needed. When will the madness stop?

After moving abroad and moving more frequently, I finally stopped myself. Whenever I made a purchase, I would ask myself, do I need it? Do I want it that much? Why? If I move again, it would be so much work, and then I make fewer purchases. Best of all, I no longer cared much about possessions as I discovered that the fewer things I had, the lighter I felt and the more freedom I enjoyed. I didn’t need many material things to make me happy. I heard it before, but now I experience it. My values shifted; material possessions became less important and valuable to me. It is good because I don’t need them and they won’t be in my coffin! As Auntie Zelda said, “You can’t take it with you.” But even if I could, what for? 

With fewer chores, things to maintain, and bills to manage, I find more time to explore or travel, enjoy hobbies or passions, and do many things. Then, I found the experiences of seeing new places and interacting with other people more valuable. I also found learning and discovering new knowledge more fascinating than everything I ever bought. 

Strip me from my belongings, and there is only me left, which is what will be in my coffin or urn. What will I carry with me before the lights go out? What if I lose all my material goods? Moving overseas, I shipped most of my belongings first, and when I could not arrive on time to sign off on them, they almost went on auction. It was most frightening and threatening but gave me a lot of food for thought. What was I without my possessions? How could I live without my belongings? I could, but feeling naked brought shame and dejection. 

Regardless of how much I have or own, I realized I will always have the most valuable things with me: Myself, my memories, my mindset, my imagination, and my soul. No one can take them away unless I allow it or my health malfunctions. I am always there for me, in sickness or health. My memories, be they selective, are mine to own. My mindset and imagination, whatever they may be, are mine by choice. And my soul, wherever it may go, will be somewhere in the universe. 

What did my grandmother leave behind? She unknowingly left me with the thought that I was lucky to be raised by her instead of my mother. She was a loving and caring mother and grandmother; she imparted many values and helped form a vital part of my identity. 

What will I leave behind? I will leave behind my words. My books or stories, and podcast episodes reveal my inner voice of pain and struggles, joys and celebrations, and eye-opening moments that will inspire you, move you, or give you food for thought. My spirit of hope and positivity will float with silver linings in the clouds and shine rainbows across the sky to remind you that a beautiful life is in front of you. Look for it, and you will find it. 

I shall not be sad when I go in the coffin. I want to be glad when I leave something good behind. I shall choose what I want to leave behind now so I can rest in peace when I leave. My thoughts on an ancient story of a philosopher give me some comfort. A man happily played an instrument on a stump in front of his house. When his friends came to visit him, they asked him why he was not sad about the passing of his wife. He replied and said he had spread her ashes all around him. She enriched the soil and surrounded him, so why should he be sad? She didn’t leave him; the memories of her and the spirit of her remained to keep him company. He continued playing the instrument in celebration of their life together. I hope someone will celebrate my life when I go, too. But I will first celebrate it now, appreciate it now, and live it to the fullest now!

If  You Could Only Say One Thing

What would you say if you could only say one thing to anybody before leaving the present life? When I saw this question written somewhere, I quickly came up with an answer even though I hadn’t thought about it. Then I paused to ask myself, why did I say that? Is there a better answer? Viewed from another perspective, I did think about it! If the question was, what would you do if you knew you were going to die tomorrow or soon, what would you do? I think the two questions are similar, so I had an answer. Excited about the discovery but scared about the possibility simultaneously, I pondered the correctness of my answer. 

As a teenager, hiding under my bed to pretend I was not home was like pretending I was dead. Sixteen-year-old me was working part-time at McDonald’s; it was the best part of my day because it meant I would not be home. McDonald’s was my place of escape! When the manager said there was a day I didn’t need to work after school, my happy mood fell to the floor. I didn’t want to be stuck at home but had nowhere to go, so I hid under my bed. Mom came into my room and must have felt my presence even though I held my breath. Her creaking knees bent down to look under the bed. And there I was, with closed eyes, pretending to be asleep. Mom said nothing and left the room. I didn’t have dinner that night, and no one else entered the room that night either. If anyone asked what my last words would be if I were dying, I wouldn’t know. I was a miserable teenager, but I didn’t have any desire to die. I only wondered what they would say about me if I were dead.

Feeling unwanted by my family since Mom sent me to live with Grandma Sandy at five, I was a child with low self-esteem, but I had no urge to die. Not belonging to my grandmother’s family because my uncles told me so was disheartening to be an outcast. I was an unwelcome outsider, but Grandma took me into her home. She wanted to help Mom reduce her burdens of childrearing. Feeling alone in a household of eight members, I crawled into my bunkbed to lay on the stuffed hippopotamus I sewed in my home economics class. It was the only place you might say was mine. No one else situated themselves there. Alone and safe in my spot, I dreamed of a better future.

Struggling to find the funds to go to college and escape my situation, any solutions were bleak. My uncles told me I was too stupid to go to college and said my parents weren’t going to pay for my college education. No help was going to come from relatives. How could I possibly get myself to college? You might think I would want to kill myself, lash out at someone, or do something criminal. Any last words never occurred to me because all I did was dream of better days and concoct ideas in my imagination.

Stuck with an emotionally abusive husband who was also anal and controlling, I thought myself doomed. Life with an anal and controlling freak was like walking in a landmine, where you never knew when or where you would step on something explosive. The explosive temper could flare at any moment,  and you would be left wondering why everything had to be made into a mountain out of a molehill. How could I enjoy life? The kind man I married had turned into a monster after I married him, and I didn’t recognize him anymore. I only knew I needed to do something to improve my situation. I refused death as a solution.

Having found a way to get the funds for college, I enrolled and enjoyed many happy days of emotional freedom. Having unearthed the courage from within to move forward with a divorce, I separated from my monstrous husband. I soared with the freedom to do whatever and whenever I wanted. Freedom is most precious. Countless people have fought for it in history, and now I understand its value.

All the adversity I experienced as a child, teenager, and adult did not bring me to any thoughts of death or ponder what I would say or do if I left Earth. Perhaps I was that eternal optimist or dreamer who hungered for a bright future, even if it were just the next day. And then, in my middle age, something shattered me into pieces. I had been hurt and broken many times before, so what was different this time? Maybe it was because it blindsided me; I didn’t see it coming and was unprepared for it.

It happened after my divorce, as if that wasn’t bad enough! I had another boyfriend, but nine years later, he cheated on me. This occurrence devastated me. I didn’t wish to die, but I wondered why I was living. Suddenly, I lost the will to live or saw no meaning in being alive. For the first time, my future was blank. I was always full of imagination and had hopes and dreams no matter how challenging a situation I found myself in, but now they all disappeared before I could grab hold of any. My future was empty. I asked myself why I was breathing. It was frightening to ask myself and have no answer. Where was my purpose in life? The question was not so scary as a teenager or young adult because it was filled with wonder. As a mature adult, the question was terrifying because I didn’t have an answer, and I thought as a mature person, I should have more wisdom and know the answer. But I was more lost than a child or teenager. It was frightening.

I walked around like a zombie, dead but still breathing. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and didn’t. Daily physical exercise and singing kept me sane, but my next moments were still a blank slate. I decided to go on a vacation far, far away. While away, I discovered a part of me died the day I knew of the betrayal. A stranger, who was an herbalist, asked me what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong. I said I could eat and sleep fine, so I was okay. He pressed to ask what was wrong. Suddenly, I burst into tears. I knew not why! The herbalist’s wife was a friend of a friend. I didn’t know her well, but we became quick friends. She quickly reprimanded her herbalist husband for making me cry. Maybe it hurt that he insisted something was wrong or suggested something was wrong with me. He stood there as if waiting for an answer. Trembling from my tears, I snapped at him and said, “I lost my house, my business, my boyfriend, my bank account; how happy am I supposed to look?” He didn’t say anything more as his wife glared at him.

After three weeks on a faraway island, I returned to rejoin the living. It was then that I had an answer to the question as to what I would say if I only had one thing to say to somebody or if I were to die tomorrow, what I would do. It took that particular breakup and betrayal to wake me up. It woke me up to life.

How did it happen? It started when I took a stroll along a river with another stranger. She saw that I didn’t look happy and shared her sob story. Why did she tell me such personal things? I suppose it is easy to say to strangers your secrets. Even though she shared something personal, I did not share my story. I was not ready to talk. However, something clicked for me when she asked me a few questions. She said, “Do you have a home? Can you get another job (since I went out of business)?” My answer to both was yes. So, with the basics of life covered, she suggested that I could move forward and that nothing could hold me down.

Her story reminded me that someone else always had it worse than me, so what was I crying about?! Her story reminded me to appreciate what I did have. I still had life and the ability to do things, so why was I so depressed?

I awoke from my zombie state to breathe like a human again. How did I allow one human being to dominate my life to the point where my life or energy got sucked out of me? How did I give away my power and render myself powerless? Numbed from the breakup, I was like a robot with no feelings. It was as if I wasn’t human anymore. And then I decided I wanted to be human; I wanted to live life and enjoy all the wonders and ups and downs of being human. On the way home, oxygen was pumped back into my body to bring life back into it. With a new outlook on life, I decided that the purpose of living is to live and live fully.

Ask me what I would say if I only had one thing to say before departing life, and I would say, “Live, live life fully.”

Betrayed and devastated, I escaped to a faraway island and discovered the purpose of life. Since then, I have worked to check off items on my bucket list and fulfill the dreams I envisioned. I dashed and roamed to eighteen countries in a matter of years. I publish books and call myself a writer. I share my stories and claim myself as a podcaster and speaker. I dare. I dare say what I will. I dare do what I will. If not now, when? There is no time to waste because life could end at any time. Having died mentally and emotionally before, I lost myself. It was a horrible place to be. Desperate to feel something and to find where I disappeared, I wanted to live. I wanted to feel. Feeling pain was better than being numb or feeling nothing. I decided to move forward. I declared myself to be a human again.

By feeling and living, I will not one day sit on my rocking chair to say I wish I did this or that. Instead, I will say, I did this; I did that. I did what I wanted. Whether it was good or bad, whether it was a mistake or a regret, I lived. I can close my eyes with a smile. How about you? Hurry, live, live life fully!

Key Takeaways 

Though I don’t have a coffin yet, I know what will go in it before I die.

Though I am not on my deathbed yet, I know what I would impart before my last breath.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Secrets in the Closet & Left Behind, Yet Not. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!