Never Meant to Be (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Never Meant To Be & Why Know Regrets of the Dying.

                                                                                       
Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:04 Never Meant To Be
• 10:41 Why Know Regrets of the Dying
• 19:38 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #205 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Never Meant to Be & Why Know Regrets of the Dying.

Never Meant to Be 

Sitting before me were his piercing eyes; they were hard to avoid or ignore, and I was mesmerized. Walking along the beach and engaging in an intriguing conversation, he captivated me. Waiting for my turn to bowl, I enjoyed his easygoing personality, and he delighted me. These three men caught my attention. It was hard to stop the magnetic force pulling me toward them.

I had done the task hundreds of times before, but when Jack came to sit before me, I found my insides trembling. You could faintly hear it in my voice; I hope he didn’t notice. It was unusual for me to react so strongly, but it was a rarity for me to be so attracted by a man’s appearance. It was his eyes. It felt like he was intensely staring at me, even though he was probably just looking at me to answer my questions. His eyes looking at me made me nervous. 

I soon had Jack demonstrate what he could do if I hired him. He did an excellent job; he was engaging and enthusiastic in his presentation. I hired him soon after, but it worried me. How could I work with a person that made me nervous and jittery? How could I not look his way when he was so magnetic? How could I avoid interacting with him? I had a job to do, and I could not avoid communication and interaction with him. It wasn’t simply because of my position or the difference between a superior and a subordinate at work; it was more than that.

Jack praised me for my suggestions and training, which he had never received from previous employers. It was not often that someone in his position would praise me. In one of our meetings, he saw my new black netted shoes and commented that they were nice. I was delighted that someone, especially a man, even noticed. At other times, he complimented me for ideas he never heard of. He noticed many things about me and expressed them aloud admiringly. It tickled me with joy, but unfortunately, I could not respond overtly and only said thank you. Nothing could ever come of my attraction to Jack, and I fought not to even think of him in my daydreams.

I joined a thirty to forty-something social group that went bowling. It may sound like a boring sport, but in my mind, I enjoyed the sound of the bowling ball rolling down a lane to hit the pins. It always made me think I was holding a rock to smash anyone I was furious at. I thought bowling was a way to release anger or stress by smashing something into smithereens, but it was only a bowling ball hitting pins. 

As I sat there waiting for my turn to roll my bowling ball, I met Thomas, who was also sitting on the bench waiting for his turn on the other side of my lane. He started conversing with me, and I found it so easy to talk to him. He was a good conversationalist. We talked like we knew each other already because the conversation flowed smoothly. We only chatted about bowling and other hobbies or social activities we enjoyed, but his easygoing, pleasant personality stood out to me. I enjoyed being with him and looked forward to seeing him in other social activities.

I saw Thomas again at a bicycling event. I didn’t know he would be there. Anyone joining the social group could sign up for any group activities. I suppose Thomas liked cycling, too. There were about twenty people that day. Thomas saw me and came over to talk to me. We soon mounted on our bikes and rode side by side. Chatting with Thomas was enjoyable; I felt at ease and could be myself without pretense. It was easy to be friends with him, but there couldn’t be anything more than that, even though I secretly wished for it. Thomas could quickly become my best friend, and I imagined we could become romantic partners, too. But I couldn’t let it happen.

From a language exchange website, I found many potential partners and messaged them. Oakley quickly responded to my invitation, and we set up when and where to meet to practice our foreign language speaking skills. Oakley and I sat at the counter bar of a coffee shop. We immediately engaged in conversation as if we were old friends. The situation made it easy to have topics of discussion. Since I just moved to a foreign country, it was obvious why I wanted to practice the language, but Oakley said, “Your language speaking skills are already pretty good, so why do you need a language exchange?” “I beg to differ; I need more practice!” I replied. Oakley was impressed and wanted to know how I could become so skilled. The back-and-forth chat led me to discover that I had a passion for the language, so it motivated me to learn and made it easy for me to understand it. Naturally, it was my turn to ask Oakley.

I asked Oakley why he wanted to practice speaking English, and he revealed that he would be taking a business trip to America and needed to sharpen his skills. I was also impressed with his English speaking skills and told him he would communicate fine upon arrival in America. It was amazing how two strangers who met for the first time could have a nonstop conversation for two hours. Soon, our time was up, or he said he had to go. He said he was going to the beach where a sandcastle contest left giant sandcastles still on display next Sunday and invited me to go with him. I happily accepted.

Oakley told me where to meet him so he could pick me up for the excursion. Shortly after I arrived, Oakley drove up. I got in the car, and he introduced me to his wife and son. I was shocked; I didn’t know he was married. Feeling awkward, I wanted to get out of the car, but Oakley quickly engaged me in conversation. The drive to the beach was two hours long, and we spoke nonstop for two hours. His wife and son sat quietly in the back seat, and we hardly talked to them. His wife understood Oakley’s need to practice English for his impending business trip, so she had no problem with our conversation in the front seats. 

Soon after arriving at the beach, Oakley and his wife briefly spoke to each other, and she took her son to a sandbox area to play. She told us to go talk. Oakley and I walked along the beach and looked at large sandcastle displays. We continued talking nonstop, and we had many things to say. The beach, sand, waves, and wind blowing on me were romantic. I enjoyed talking with Oakley immensely, but there was to be no future with us.

Since Oakley was married,  the connection I wanted would never happen. My bicycling and bowling companion, Thomas, was also married, so that interaction had no future. Jack, the man with the piercing eyes that made me jittery, was married too. I liked all three men, but it was never meant to be. 

Jack was someone I hired, and I later found out he was married through small clues in our conversations like he had to go pick up his son after work and couldn’t make our meeting. I met Thomas through a social club; everyone who joined was single except for Thomas. I don’t know why he joined the club; it didn’t say you had to be single to be a part of it. Oakley and I wanted a language exchange, so we met and made the exchange. I didn’t know he was married until I met him again and went to the beach with his family.

Why did I like these unavailable men? First, I didn’t know they were married when I first met them. Second, it was coincidental! Third, Jack and Oakley needed to talk to me, so we talked. Thomas was the only married person among all the club singles and was friendly and talkative with nearly everyone. Though the situations appear understandable as to why I came to interact with them, why did they have to be married? Again, it was an accidental occurrence. I couldn’t say there was any more to it.

I was attracted to one set of piercing eyes; it was only a physical attraction. Engaging conversations with the other two pulled me toward them. They all happened to be married. It was unfortunate for me that they were never meant to be. However, despite the brevity, I can always reminisce about those small but beautiful moments and smile about them.

Why Know Regrets of the Dying?   

My family of eight was rarely ever all together from the time I was a baby. Still, Dad did not seem to notice how each of his kids looked. Though it was a rare occasion to find the whole family together, it might have happened a few times. In my (third) story (under podcast #1) called Dim Sum with Dad, my family miraculously had the chance to be in the same city at the same time to get together for lunch. Most of us were in our twenties when Dad took a look at us around a circular table when we went out to lunch. He said, “Hmmm, you all look different.” My eyes popped out in shock. The moment stamped and engraved a burning mark in me like I was being branded.

I vowed not to end up in a place like my dad where I would say such a thing. His short comment told me that he never paid much attention to us; he didn’t notice that his children each had their own unique look. His life was passing him by without him even noticing his own children. I didn’t want that to happen to me.

That lunch with Dad happened in my early twenties. Soon, I was in my mid-twenties, and my dad’s brother, Uncle Sheldon, said something that angered me but woke me up. It was an angry jolt from within because he offended me. Though I was highly annoyed, it was a wake-up call I never forgot. He said, “You are too focused.”

I never spent much time with Uncle Sheldon, but when writing my Master’s thesis, I spent much time at his house. He had a home office full of computers; I needed one back in the eighties. My professor demanded that I type my thesis, so I had to have a computer. No personal laptop computers were widely available back then; he had bulky desktops. 

I was working full-time and going to school full-time. I had limited time to work on my thesis. While typing away at the computer, trying to get as much work done as soon as possible, Uncle Sheldon said I was too focused. I thought being focused was a strength of mine. However, how he said it was like a weakness or insult to me. I fumed and defended myself. If I were not focused, how could I get my work done? How could I achieve all my goals? I only had so much time, I protested.

Uncle Sheldon noticed that I was busy at work while his workers were working and chatting leisurely. I was quiet and did not interact with anyone. I just wanted to finish my work and go home as I would need to go to work the next day and have more homework. It wasn’t until a few years later that I realized the meaning behind Uncle Sheldon’s words. He suggested I was so focused that I did not “stop to smell the roses (as the idiom goes).” I gasped, “Oh my gosh, I don’t want to be like my father who didn’t notice…. And life passed him by!”

Picturing myself in a rocking chair filled with regrets, I shuddered at the image of it and did not want it to become a reality. I vowed not to let it happen. The promise I made to myself stuck with me. Moving forward, I paid better attention to what was before me. I took more risks and completed things on my bucket list and dream list. I globetrotted to over fifteen countries in six years, I went into business, moved abroad, and did unmentionable things. I had to because I did not want to sit in that rocking chair filled with regrets of not having done what I wanted or noticing or appreciating things in my life, including nature and relationships. 

Still remembering what my dad and uncle said to me many years ago, I continue to be more in the present to notice more things and to add items to my dream and bucket list. Committed to not having regrets, I searched for regrets of the dying to avoid them if possible. I learned of the top five regrets of the dying from Bronnie Ware, who was a nurse who worked with the dying and learned of their regrets in life.

I am not dying soon, but I was surprised to see that I didn’t have most of the five regrets that the dying have! One regret that the dying have is to have lived the life they wanted instead of what others expected. I don’t and won’t have such a regret. I suppose I can thank my parents for that! Tossed out at five, my parents relinquished any responsibility for me, so they had no expectations of me. You may say that is great, but it is also tragic that my parents did not expect me to amount to anything. On the other hand, it was a blessing because I could create whatever I wanted for my life!

The second regret of the dying is they wished they hadn’t worked so hard. I won’t have this regret as I am in the process of nipping it in the bud. My younger self worked hard and didn’t mind because it was an escape from a home life I did not enjoy. My adult self loved my twenty-plus career with passion and purpose, so I have no regrets. However, my now older self does not like my work, so I will clock out as soon as it hits the dot to get off from work. I am still a hard worker, but I consciously try to minimize overtime. I will not say I wished I hadn’t worked so hard. 

The third regret of the dying is they wished they had the courage to express their feelings. This regret could be one of mine, but it isn’t. Luckily, I am nipping this one in the bud after roaming the earth for over half a century! I discovered the incredible benefits of writing! Writing is my way of expressing all that I want. I may stand up for some direct communication; if not, I can sort them all through the magic of writing stories in my books and podcasts.

Another regret of the dying is they wished they had stayed in touch with friends. I won’t have this regret because I have always valued friends and made every effort to keep in touch for as long as I could. I can thank my horrible and dysfunctional family for that. Since I didn’t have a family to support me in every which way, I have relied on friends for support all my life. Still, this could be tragic. Many friendships come and go due to circumstances, location, time, or any reason. Despite such a reality, I won’t regret it because I tried my best to keep the ties, and if they don’t care to stay in touch, there is nothing I can do about it. It takes at least two to have a relationship.

The fifth and the last of the top five regrets of the dying is they wish they had let themselves be happier. If I have this regret, I know it will be my own doing.

When I was twenty-five, I participated in the Landmark Forum, a personal development program. I never forgot what I got out of it. One thing I learned was that my happiness is not dependent on things external to me or my surrounding environment. I generate my joy, I decide it, and I choose it. I create and choose my happiness. I remember it, but sometimes, I must remind myself.

You must know the top five regrets of the dying so you can avoid it! Though I may not get the top five regrets, I look for other regrets the dying may have because I don’t want to have those regrets, too. They can only add to the value of my life, and at least I can die with a smile of contentment because I shall have no regrets. That is not to say I won’t make mistakes or run into blunders. I did and will make more or face more, but I will learn lessons and gain insights from them, so I can’t regret them. Know the regrets of the dying so you won’t have the regrets.

Key Takeaways                                                                                                                                 Though it was unfortunate that I met a few unavailable men, I enjoyed the small moments together in my memory. 

Though I am not near death, knowing the regrets of the dying helps me to avoid them and live a fulfilled life.

Next week, is a new year and new real-life stories await your ears. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!