Light in the Darkness

Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Light in the Darkness.

                                                                                       
Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #212 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Light in the Darkness. 

Light in the Darkness

After being tossed out at five and returning home for two years at fourteen, darkness enveloped me. Finding myself working full-time by day and studying full-time by night, the dark sky surrounded me. Immersed in an emotionally abusive marriage, the black hole swallowed me. After quitting my career to jump into a business venture, I fell into a penniless pit. Looking up, looking down, and looking at all that was before me was darkness. Where could I find any glimmer of light or hope?

Already traumatized when I was tossed at five, returning home at fourteen was most troubling. Grandma Sandy, who raised me since I was five, imparted values vastly different from those of my mother. How could mother and daughter have such different values? Baffled, I could not understand, and living in confusion for two years only distressed the teenage me to withdraw. 

Grandma Sandy taught me to study hard in school, and I would get ahead in life, save money for a rainy day, just in case of emergencies, be kind to others, and goodness will come to me, cook and clean, and I will know how to take care of my future family, and respect and appreciate my ancestors because that is where I came from. Importantly, Grandma Sandy showed me the value of things money could not buy. On the other hand, Mom showed me that looking good physically and owning things to show wealth mattered, and money could solve everything or buy anything. The most significant contrast was what was of value, what money could buy, and what money could not.

Growing up with Grandma Sandy, I adopted her values and disagreed with Mom's values. As an adult, I concluded Grandma had traditional values, while Mom wanted to assimilate or keep up with the Joneses. The knowledge made no difference. I adopted Grandma's ways and noted Mom's ways. I have since learned Mom's ways were the society we lived in, and she was trying to keep up with it. As an adult, I, too, blindly followed societal norms until I reached a mature age.

Flashing back to my teenage years, I was clear that I did not like Mom's ways or values. When I was unhappy, she bought me things instead of discussing the source of my unhappiness. When we went out, she only cared about dressing beautifully and wearing makeup to look good. She focused on looking good for others and imparted that to my sisters, who adopted her ways. Developing positive characteristics and skills was neglected or unimportant. The superficial displays disturbed me. The lack of communication and interaction between siblings bothered me. The absence of a warm and loving family troubled me. I withdrew to my room. 

Luckily, I had my own bedroom. Though I had longed to be with my biological family and was finally back with it, it was not the family I wanted. Embraced by coldness, I resorted to my bedroom under the blankets and the sunshine that streamed through my windows to warm me up. I laid there to daydream and hope for a life out of the darkness.

Enveloped in a household of darkness to me, I found twinkling stars shining through the darkness. My imagination sailed me away to college, where I could learn and thrive; it was my ticket to find freedom from the chains of a miserable family life. I also found pen pals to help me practice a foreign language, keep me company, and hear me express my thoughts and feelings. Reading stories brought me to other places away from my troubled reality. Safe in my bedroom, the disturbances that embraced me released me momentarily.

Through all the darkness of living with my family for those two teenage years, Keith was the brightest star that gave me hope for a promising future and a warmth I had never experienced. Keith was one of my pen pals who wrote letters to me the most often. He became my support, someone I could talk to about anything, encouraging me and giving me hope for a brighter future. The smiles that involuntarily showed up on my face when I read his words were like the twinkling stars in the night sky. They were my small moments of happiness while unhappiness surrounded me. 

Keith would later become my best friend, soul mate, first love, and the one who would steal a permanent seat in my heart to always be there for me as more periods of darkness would ensue. Thinking of him, I see more twinkling stars of brightness in the darkness.

Dreaming of my ticket to freedom, I got to college and graduated to a brighter future. However, I soon found myself juggling full-time work and full-time studies. It was necessary as an independent woman who had to rely on her finances to pay for graduate school. Though willing to put in the work and time needed, it was not easy! Driven by my goals, I pressed on. During the weekdays, I worked seven to three-thirty. Afterward, I dashed onto public transit to the college campus to get to class by four-thirty. Classes were three hours long. By the time I got home, it was eight-thirty to nine o'clock. Exhausted, I still needed to correct papers as a teacher. With barely six hours to sleep before I needed to get up at six in the morning, I didn't know if I had enough energy to press on.

Exhausted from the weekday schedule from six in the morning until midnight with hardly any breaks in between, Saturdays were spent sleeping. After sleeping for twelve straight hours, I would awake wanting to sleep some more, and then I'd sleep a few more hours. By Sunday, some energy would return to me, and I would prepare lessons for work and complete homework from my evening classes. I had homework from work and homework from classes! Stop the madness! I want a job with no homework! This schedule continued for nearly four years until I graduated with a credential and a Master's degree. I did not know how I managed to endure the grueling schedule for that long; I only knew I needed to accomplish my goals. Where were the shimmering stars I needed?

I needed efficient time management because I had much to do and only twenty-four hours a day. I got to practice using time wisely and multitasking. By prioritizing tasks, realizing the limits of time, and not wasting it, I accomplished more. I call these acquired gems the shiny stars I grasped. The depths of my time management skills were challenged when one of my besties demanded I have some playtime. "You work hard, and you need to play hard, too, Emily!" Selina proclaimed. Selina proceeded to find me a new boyfriend since it didn't look like I was going anywhere with the one I had. Instead of one, she found me two, and they both wanted to see me daily. Sorry, I cannot do that! I told the new boyfriends. I have school and work! My attempts to juggle the two dates, work, and school, were exhausting but a lot of fun. Luckily, one moved to another state after two months, and I was left with one boyfriend and an on-again-off-again boyfriend in the background. I was too busy to analyze my actions, and no feelings were hurt or damaged. The twinkling stars were the fun I had dating while working and attending school full-time. In the darkness of too much to manage, I managed to have a few shining stars to brighten my many days of hard work. 

After all the juggling of tasks and securing the necessary credentials, I finally settled into a satisfying and successful career for some years until I got married. Anson was a wonderful gentleman who wined and dined with me while we were dating. After we got married, however, the nightmare began. The monster that lurked inside of him came out. He was controlling and anal. He had an incredible temper that brought me to my knees and tortured me. Immersed in a horrible marriage, I was shrouded in darkness, and it was hard to breathe and see any glimmer of light that would give me hope for better days.

If I disagreed with Anson about anything or did anything he did not like, a screaming lecture would ensue for about two hours each time. If he had a question or a problem to solve and I did not answer it or solve it for him, he would demean, belittle, and humiliate me. According to Anson, I was supposed to know everything because I was a teacher and I had a Master's degree, which he did not have. Attacking my hard-earned accomplishments hurt. Being unappreciated and devalued was heartbreaking. The person I thought loved me treated me like trash.

The days of darkness continued with me walking on eggshells every time I got home. I never knew what could trigger an explosion from him. Wrapping paper with red dye that got on my fingers on a doorknob warranted two hours of screaming at me. A drop of invisible superglue on the sink warranted another two hours of hollering at me. I didn't know how to change the oil or check other things in a car for basic maintenance; it called for him to yield his self-righteous stance that I had no right to drive a car because I could not maintain it myself. If I wanted us to go on vacation or go out for dinner, the answer was no. He said it was a waste of money. What happened to the man who used to wine and dine me or go wherever I wanted? He disappeared into oblivion, never to be found again. 

No matter what I did, it was never enough for him. I cooked and cleaned, managed our finances, and had a full-time career. That was not enough. I also needed to help him mow the lawn and wash the cars. If his friends had invited him out, I would have had to go with him, or he would not have gone. If I wanted to go out with my friends, it was called wasting time when I could be home with any number of house projects. I needed a little space, but it was not allowed. I thought it was because he loved me, but he was a control freak. I tolerated and endured.

Seven years of trying whatever I could to save the marriage did not work. Many eggshells broke. Many bombs exploded. Unable to find the light or any joy to comfort me, I sighed. Unable to make it better, I sought help. His family sympathized but had no solutions for his explosive temper and anal ways. I took a personal development course in the Landmark Forum. From there, I found the courage to divorce Anson. The courage to leave was the shining light that brought me out of the darkness. I chose myself. If I did not, I would have lost myself in the black hole of hell to be emotionally abused to no end.

I was happy to be freed from the chains of a bad marriage; the taste of freedom was too sweet, and I could not get enough of it. Soon, I embarked on a journey to become an entrepreneur. It was a risk I was not allowed to take while married, and since I became free, I took the chance. Though I made no money the first year, I had lots of fun doing things outside my comfort zone and learned much about business and interacting with people. However, the following years of making little were challenging. The dark clouds descended on me. As hard as I tried to make sales and find new business partners, I faced one rejection after another. I designed more ways to find customers and found many occasions to meet people to discuss my business, but more rejections came my way. Hundreds of them came. My savings from my previous career were drying up. I worked hard with little results. I deemed myself the unluckiest person with the biggest blanket of darkness over me. 

The blanket of darkness, feeling like a failure, covered me for nearly ten years. It was not until I shared about my failure in business with Everett, a stranger, that I discovered there were gems in my experience. Besides all the things I learned about sales, business, and people, I also found that there was a special me who was tenacious, determined, resilient, creative, and courageous. If I had not possessed those characteristics, I would not have survived until I finally made sufficient money to qualify to be on stage and live to share my struggles and inspire others to press on with determination until they succeeded. I found some light during the fifth year of my business venture.

My inspiration in sharing the dark days of childhood, two teenage years, juggling work and school, enduring emotional abuse in a toxic marriage, and financial failure in business came from a speech I heard. It grabbed my attention and gave me hope when faced with darkness. It remained in my heart for months before I expressed its connection to me.

Kamala Harris, vice president of the United States, conceded defeat in her race for the White House. She said, "Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. Fill the sky with the light of a brilliant, brilliant billion stars. The light of optimism, faith, truth, and service guides us. Don't throw up your hands in despair; roll up your sleeves."

I can easily see that picture of the night sky with twinkling stars in the distance. I once thought my life was just a pitch-black blanket of adversity with few stars to be found. After sharing many challenges and struggles through writing and podcasting, I see more and more stars shining to give me hope because it enriched me with all that I have learned in the darkness and the eye-opening moments that made for an abundant life.

Key Takeaway: Though I have lived in much darkness, I need to remember that there are also many bright stars; I need only to find them.

Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called Summer Love with Sky. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!