The Missing Hugs

Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. In this episode you will hear about The Missing Hugs.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #219 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about The Missing Hugs. 

The Missing Hugs

After hiking up a hill, we came upon a stream of water running down on one side. I ran over to listen to the gentle sounds of the water moving downstream over rocks and pebbles. Beautiful greenery adorned both sides. Hungry to enjoy the sounds of the moving water and soaking in the fresh air from the many surrounding trees and shrubbery, I found some larger rocks scattered alongside the stream. "Let's sit over here and enjoy the scenery," I said. My companion complied and sat next to me on a big rock. He sat close to me as the rock was only so big, but there was no contact. 

The only sounds we could hear were the running water, the gentle breezes, and the swaying of leaves. The scene, with many rocks of all sizes in the stream, the surrounding greenery, and the cool, misty air, immersed me in a dreamlike state. I sat there staring at the pint-sized waterfall in the stream. I didn't know where all the water would go, but I was mesmerized by its endless flow and movement. We sat there chatting for a few hours, and then he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He asked if I was willing to do so with him. I turned to look at him, and he repeated his statement without looking at me. I did not answer. I had only known him for a month, and his words seemed surreal.

I shared about my dream of having a warm and loving family and how that dream died a year ago when I came to accept singlehood with welcoming arms because I didn't need a man to make me happy. I didn't tell him that after a divorce, two betrayals, and many breakups, I still dreamed of a happily ever after for the longest time. Things changed a year ago. It was my birthday, and I realized I was pretty happy without a new man in my life and was content with myself. Acceptance came. And then this one-month-old relationship came to be sitting next to me. For two hours, we talked about our hopes and dreams. Again, there was no contact.

He shared about his dream of creating a community that was like a warm and loving family. He wanted to find a piece of land and build it. Community members would be neighborly, and we would enjoy barbecues, social gatherings, and trips together. Suddenly, he found a way to combine our dreams, and it became our dream. In my wildest dreams, I never imagined or could never concoct such a beautiful dream. Realizing that our dream was a possibility and could be a reality, I bent down to my knees and shed a few tears of joy. I rarely shed tears of joy and wanted the moment to be wrapped with a hug, but he never touched or hugged me.

On another day, we arrived at the seaside and faced strong, cold winds blowing. It didn't mess up his crew cut, but my hair was a mess. Still, we happily took a selfie in front of a boulder that stuck out from the sand. I was happy to see a larger body of water. Perhaps the sight and sounds of water bring me joy and peace, and I could not help but smile. It was a lengthy stretch of water, with the end nowhere in sight. Sometimes, we walked along a paved path, and at other times, we walked on the sandy beach. It sounds romantic to me, but nothing romantic happened.

As we walked, I shared about my love for being near nature and observing its beauty. He agreed but had little to say about it. We continued walking in search of an area with large rocks buried in the sand, their mossy greenery attached to them. We finally found the location. Though the greenery looked slimy on the rocks, it was a sight to behold. The sea waves crashed ceaselessly against the stones in the sand. I stopped and stared at the waves that repeatedly crashed down. The high winds felt colder and stronger while I stood still, enjoying the waves. I thought it was a romantic scene if he stood closer to me and hugged me to warm me up, but he did not hug me.

After another hike through nature, we came upon a small lake with many branches hanging their leaves, leaning over the water. I had to stop and admire its natural beauty. We sat down on stone stools right in front of the lake. I was in awe and looked up at the sky to see small leaves floating above me from a nearby tree. "Look up!" I said. "It is so beautiful! Look up!" I said again. The crisp air was fresh, and breathing it seemed to give me the vitality of life I enjoyed. Feeling fortunate to experience a piece of the wonders of Earth, I yearned for a hug from him after knowing him for three months. But minutes later, he said, "It's cold, let's go." He didn't ask if I was cold. I was not, but I wanted my joyous moment to be embraced with a hug, but he didn't hug me.

Feeling warm and snug at home on a rainy day, he came for a visit. I shared some stories of adversity from my podcast and books. Feeling comfortable with him, I shared about my abandonment issues and how I wanted to push him away, as it was an automatic habit of mine. I explained that the origins of abandonment came from my mother. I explained that I ended a number of relationships before they could have the possibility of abandoning me. In other words, I abandoned them so they could not abandon me. Even when I became aware of what I had done, I still could not break the lifelong habit. He listened quietly but attentively.

Despite my automatic tendencies, it was different this time. I began fighting to stop myself from pushing away someone I liked. I even found myself bold enough to tell him I did not want to push him away. My eyes widened; I was transforming. I immediately realized my ability to express a vulnerability had come to the forefront, and I had grown. I am still amazed at how we can continue to grow and grow, even as adults. I almost wanted to cry; if you were paying attention, you could hear it in my voice. I know he was listening. I wanted a hug for my bravery in exposing my vulnerability, but he didn't hug me. I wanted him to acknowledge that I reciprocated his feelings for me or that our feelings were mutual. But he didn't hug me.

He offered me things that money could buy, but he didn't have the money. He had it in his dreams and offered me a beautiful future of warmth, comfort, and community. I told him I only wanted someone I could feel comfortable sharing about anything with and sharing warm hugs. He repeated his offers in text messages, and I repeated what I only wanted in written words. The next time I saw him after that message, he got my message. Each time we parted ways, he gave me a side hug. This time, he gave another side hug, only a few seconds longer, and then he said, "Is it enough?" That was how I knew he "read" my message but didn't understand what I meant by a full hug: A hug from the front.

Sitting at a restaurant and having lunch together, he talked about our future together again. He seemed to relish talking about it. That piece of land, that joyful community where we would live together, was what he loved talking about repeatedly. He was happy for our future. I was uncomfortable because we had only known each other for a few months, and I never got a hug from him. 

I couldn't feel his warmth. There was never any touch. He shared little about himself, and his facial expressions did not match his words of love. I communicated the mismatch and his lack of sharing to him, but it did not change anything. I shared a story I learned when I was in business. The bottom line was to sell people what they wanted, not what you want to sell them. I reminded him that he was saying what he wanted to give me: a home and a community, but he wasn't giving me what I wanted. He then said, "What do you want?" Flabbergasted, I said, I told you and texted it to you before. He responded with "Huh?" I proceeded to look through the text messages I sent him and found them to "prove" to him that I had expressed myself verbally and in writing: I just want someone I could talk about anything with and have warm hugs (or warm and loving expressions of love ). He reread it and said nothing. No hug followed.

At the end of that date, it was the usual quick side hug. I didn't know it would be our last in-person connection; he didn't know either. But as the days passed, my uneasiness in the relationship and his many odd behaviors grew increasingly unsettling. After several months of contemplation, I decided it wasn't the relationship I wanted, and I no longer craved hugs from him.

I never "needed" a hug from any date I had in the past, as they always gave it before I even wanted it, or it always came without me having to ask for one. The missing hugs from this man puzzled me because he proposed, wanted a future with me, and kept planning and talking about that dream future. His words did not align with his actions; they did not sit well with me and troubled me week after week, causing my head to spin. I could not comprehend his strange behaviors. I tried to understand but concluded that I did not want to continue to endure the abnormalities. Enough was enough. I no longer wanted any hugs or affection from him. 

After breaking the connection, my head cleared, and my enjoyment of life's beauty returned, along with a surge of revitalized energy. The interaction, however, provided me with much food for thought. When you like or love someone, it is essential to show it in different ways to let the recipient be able to receive it in the way they want. I learned that hugs are important to me (when you don't get any), and if I don't get it, I don't. But it is a reminder for me to be more compassionate and to give more hugs to others. Hugs can comfort others or make them feel loved. We all know that, but giving it is what matters. It took wanting it from him for me to realize that, besides words, heartfelt hugs truly make a difference. Without them, we couldn't bond. We broke.

Key Takeaway: Though I didn't get the hugs I wanted, I realized their importance and how much I wanted them.

Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called Can’t Remember, Can’t Forget. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!