Abandonment Reawakened

Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. In this episode you will hear about Abandonment Reawakened.

                                                                                       
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Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #232 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Abandonment Reawakened. 

Abandonment Reawakened

Soon after chatting with him for nearly seven hours, my body had strange sensations of tingling like I was in love for the first time, and my heart had pangs of anxiety and nervous tension intertwined to give me panicking fear. I can’t remember ever being so afraid that it affected me physically, with moment after moment of feeling pressure in the middle spots between the upper part of my breasts and above it. I didn’t want to like him and was afraid I already did.

My heart about popped out of my chest with excitement and fear at the same time when he texted me the very next day to ask to meet me next weekend. How could he ask so fast? With my heart racing a mile a minute, I muttered inside: He can’t like me, and I can’t like him! I can’t see him again! What am I going to do? What am I going to say in a reply? I don’t know. Do I have to reply? It would be ill-mannered of me not to respond. The next day, I decided to respond by letting him know I had a big project that would take weeks to complete; it was true that I was in the middle of a big project: I was working to launch and publish my tenth book. I hoped he would disappear or forget about me since I would make him wait indefinitely, but another strange thing happened.

For the next six days, I kept thinking about him. I wondered why our conversation seemed to flow seamlessly without any hiccups. We discussed all sorts of things, from work, travel, culture, societal changes, and politics. How could it be? It was the first time we had any conversation outside of our work environment, yet there was no awkwardness while we talked. I knew him for years like an acquaintance, but at the same time, I did not know him at all.

During the six days I was thinking of him, he texted me daily with images of something. I did not respond and did not want to encourage him. The only thing I knew for sure was that he was thinking of me, and I was thinking of him, too.

Saturday came, and I finally decided to respond to let him know I did indeed have a big project and was hoping I would get it done by Sunday night. Sunday night came. I finished editing and checking to put my work out to be published. And then he called. We spoke for two beautiful hours, and I couldn’t stop smiling. What was wrong with my face, which was filled with smiles? With over five decades of life, how could I be like the seventeen-year-old me who first fell in love with my best friend? The sensations felt were even more intense than those experienced at seventeen. Baffled, I couldn’t make sense of it all. It disturbed me; my jittering body, pressed heart, and dizzy head didn’t know how to sit with it all. I was in unfamiliar territory.

For the next month, we met weekly for seven to twelve hours at a time, and I battled with fear, not understanding why I was deftly afraid of him. Finally, I told him I was scared of him. Why? he said. Though I hesitated, the words finally came out of my mouth. I was afraid of liking him, and I didn’t want to like him. Why? I didn’t tell him, but I knew. I knew he had to be younger than me, and I never dated anyone younger than me, and I was uncomfortable about it. His look did not appear to be my type, but I have had many that did not seem to be my type either. Maybe I was looking for reasons not to connect with him because my brain told me it wasn’t right or too shocking for me to digest. He was like no one I had ever known before. He appeared normal, but he shocked me with unexpected words or actions each time I saw him. Perhaps I assumed or thought I knew what he should be like, but he was nothing like I thought. 

One day, while high up in the mountains, surrounded by luscious trees, babbling brooks, and crispy fresh air, we sat on a boulder facing the beautifully manicured greenery and unstoppable water flow over rocks and pebbles. Sitting down, I was prepared to give him the third degree.

“I am older than you. I am a divorced woman. I don’t come from a warm and loving family,” I said. I told him these facts before, but it didn’t phase him. I needed to tell him again to make sure he heard me. He said, “It doesn’t matter.” I couldn’t understand why it didn’t bother him. I thought they would be dealbreakers for him and wanted to give him a path to leave before we could get serious. In truth, I was trying to push him away, and I was trying to run away because I was scared. A part of me was attracted to him like a magnet. Another part of me struggled to repel him, with me making every effort to push him away. Engrossed in a contradictory mess, I only got myself more tangled with him.

My childhood abandonment issue surfaced and reared its ugly head before me. I thought I had dealt with the problem when I identified it many years ago, but old habits automatically kicked in. I looked for ways to push him away and gave him reasons to go away. The five-year-old me wanted to abandon him, so he could not leave me first. The child in me had long decided that I needed to break away from relationships before the other party had a chance to abandon me. I did not want to relive the trauma of being abandoned like the five-year-old me. My solution was to push others away before they could do it to me. While it may not be the best way to deal with abandonment, I kept doing it like a habit and could not stop or break it.

The three key points I gave him to back out did not work. It did not frighten him. He did not go away. Luckily, I had another piece of ammunition in my pocket. Before I pulled it out, I was sure the death of us was imminent. As much as I was drawn and enamored by him, my abandonment issue was more powerful. Consumed, it overtook me, and I pulled out my ultimate weapon.

“I plan to retire in five years and move to a retirement village,” I said. Since he was younger, I thought this would kill any thoughts he might have had with me. I continued, “Many people may not know what to do when they stop working, but I will have plenty to do, and I know what I will do. Before lunchtime, I will take hikes in the morning and breathe fresh air in the village. I will shower, eat breakfast, and write a short story. After lunch, I will take a class or two onsite. I could take drama, karaoke singing, calligraphy, painting, or learn more computer skills. After that, I will have one of the dinners in the cafeteria. I look forward to not cooking daily and enjoying what I eat without doing the dishes. After dinner, I will watch a show or two or learn new words in a foreign language I love. I will spend more time with my passions and doing what I enjoy. I will take day trips on the weekends and sometimes travel to other places. That is my dream life.”

After sharing about my dream life, I thought it would be the death of us because we were not in the same stage or place in life. I wanted to move on as planned to lead a peaceful life without any potential drama. And I would accomplish my mission to abandon someone before they could abandon me. 

His response shocked me beyond belief. In all my wildest dreams, I could not design the picture he created. I still can’t digest it because I am still in disbelief. How did I never think up what he created? I couldn’t because I had given up on my ultimate dream just a year ago. My age told me to do that.

You could say my dream is simple, and his dream is simple, too, but he combined our dreams and painted an unbelievably beautiful picture. A few tears watered my eyes; they were tears of joy. Still sitting on the boulder with him, my body floated weightlessly like the clouds in the sky.

In his eyes, I had unearthed a dream he had over twenty years ago. He dreamed of having a retirement village where he could chat the day away and listen to the many stories of wisdom and experiences of the seniors. He had seen a movie and images of them living the best chapter of their lives, and he wanted to be a part of it.

I always dreamed of having a warm and loving family. After I gave up on it last year, he showed up. Instead of embracing the most precious dream for me, I had tossed it and didn’t want to look back. He, who seemed to come out of nowhere, entered my life to dig in the dumpster and pull out the dream I had tossed after holding on to it for over fifty years.

My childbearing years passed me by. My fear of becoming a mother like my mom, a divorce, and a devastating betrayal by another ex squashed any hope for a warm and loving family. Then, he showed up to paint a picture of a family I had never imagined could exist.

He combined our dreams; it was ingenious! “Picture it,” he said. “I will build a retirement village called Emily’s Home. You get to interview and choose who comes into your home. Whoever you accept will become a part of your family. You will have a big family where we will take day trips, go hiking, take classes, and have meals together. I am wherever you are, and wherever you go, I will be with you. You will have that warm and loving family you always wanted, and I will have a retirement center with you by my side to give me inspiration and strength to live out the rest of our lives happily.

Sitting on that boulder with him, he concocted an incredible picture. I bent down, feeling tingles throughout my arms and chest. As I came back up, I wiped baby tears from my eyes. No one had ever transformed my dream into something so incredible. I began seeing myself dancing in harmony with him and our big family, and my abandonment fears began dissipating. That traumatized five-year-old me started to fade away as an image of a beautiful family with him began appearing. Togetherness instead of divisiveness in a family is possible. I can see it. Goodbye, little Emily.

Key Takeaway: Though I realized my abandonment issue, it reared its ugly head before me, but I grabbed it to stop my temptation to run away in fear of being abandoned.

Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called But She Forced Them . If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!